Dear Santa,

Tags

books, charcoal, Christmas, creative writing, fiction, gifts, humor, naughty, santa, santa claus, toys, writing

Dear Santa,

I’d like to reintroduce myself to you as it’s been at least 15 years since you’ve been to my home. I think when I moved into my own place, my address might not have been updated – or perhaps it was incorrectly recorded – because the gifts stopped appearing. I’m envisioning a big holiday database that needs updating, because both St. Nick and the Easter Bunny also seem to have overlooked me as well. I understand in these difficult economic times that staff is stretched thin and not all tasks are regularly attended, so I wanted to make sure you have my current address. (There’s no need to pass this on to the Tooth Fairy, as thankfully I no longer have that need!)

My other thought is that maybe I was bad for a couple of those years and so you put me on the ‘naughty’ list. I can’t really argue that. There was a while when I just decided to throw caution to the wind, go a little crazy and be a bit selfish and indulgent. I probably wasn’t a joy to be around either. But I have cleaned up my act – honest I did. And I thought that maybe you would start coming around again, even if it was to drop off a few briquettes of charcoal. I’d take anything just to know you’re still in my life and we can continue our relationship. I know you don’t really owe me anything but as I still believe in you, I don’t think I should be denied.

Plus, I truly have cleaned up my act. I swear less at bad drivers on the road, I am really patient behind people who still write out checks at the grocery store, and I even sit quietly and attentively while people tell me the same story three, four or even five times. In my mind, I tell them I’ve heard the story before, but I don’t say anything out loud. Well, not every time.

So, if there is a chance for us to renew what we once had, you’ll find that I don’t really ask for much. Not like the old days when Barbies, dolls and toys topped the list. I’m much more practical these days. For instance, I would really love a new dictionary and thesaurus. (Yes, I still love books, in case you were wondering and I read two or three a month. I’m still writing, too!) And on that note, if you could find me a publisher for one of my books, that would be the ultimate gift and I wouldn’t ask for anything for like another five years.

So Santa, I truly have missed you. I hope you are doing well and I will see you soon. Like next week. Safe travels!

All my best,
Ann

P.S. Here we are together from a few years past – hopefully this jogs your memory!

Karate Chop Split The Infinitive

Tags

DPChallenge, editing, grammar, karate chop, Miss Piggy, Raymond Chandler, split infinitive, technical, writing

We’ve all seen it – spellchecking in a Word document when the grammar box pops up alerting you that you’ve split an infinitive. Most people nod, shrug and then click “next.”  Because, really, who knows what a split infinitive is and what you’re supposed to do to fix it?

They’re naughty, inconvenient and unclear modifiers. Split infinitives muddy the verb in the sentence and sound awkward. Good grammar tells us we shouldn’t add an adverb between “to” and the verb. Instead, you place the modifier after the verb.

Here’s a famous example of the split infinitive:  Star Trek’s “to boldly go where no one has gone before.” “To boldly go” is a split infinitive. “Boldly” splits “to go.” The statement should be “To go boldly where not one has gone before.” (Do Trekkies hate when that’s pointed out?)

I can see eyes already glazing over. So, let’s break it down.

Basically, an “infinitive” is a verb that is uninflected. In English, there are two kinds of infinitives: bare and full. Bare infinitives are the kind of verbs you usually see in a dictionary, such as:

• go
• sprinkle
• run
• split

Full infinitives are made up of two words, usually putting the word “to” in front of the bare verb:

• to go
• to sprinkle
• to run
• to split

So, when you have a verb with to in front of it you have a full infinitive. Simple.

A split infinitive puts an adverb between the two parts of the full infinitive. “To generously sprinkle” is a split infinitive because “generously” splits the word “to” from the word “sprinkle.” The correct version is to sprinkle generously. “To diligently inquire” also splits the full infinitive, and should be to inquire diligently.

So, remember not to split the “to” and the “verb” with an adverb. Unless you’re Raymond Chandler. I wouldn’t mess with him.

“When I split an infinitive, goddamn it, I split it so it stays split.” – Raymond Chandler